I get massages about once a month to help me deal with the no sleep and stress . I figure that they must be pretty bored standing in a dimly lit room with a nude stranger in a towel listening to the same Enya song for the 30th time that day, so I try and make small talk. And with a bit of experience I have come up with a list of topics to avoid while professionally trained strangers poke at your highly sensitive pressure points.
1. Why they didn't get a job where they don't have to touch naked strangers while listening to Enya.
2. How often they have thought about killing a massage patient and hiding the body.
3. Anything to do with the little mermaid. (Don't ask)
4. Ranting about the music and how boring it is. This is a fact they are highly aware of and have most likely tuned out. Bringing this to their attention tends to open old forgotten issues and makes them want to hurt you.
5. Dead pets and why they miss them.
6. Why the name fluffy is a stupid name for a dead pet and why you think it probably deserved to die.
7. Never ask: "Have you ever made anyone cry with those mannish hands?" (this was a woman therapist)
8. For some reason I decided to talk about lemmings and how they where the predecessor to the suicide bomber (what!? I get bored sometimes)little did I know her husband was in Iraq. But you can make them blow themselves up you know.... the lemmings, I'm still talking about the lemmings.
9. How the game of tick tack toe is a lost art. This conversation has no where to go and will eventually lead you down the road of lemmings with suicidal tendencies.
10. And finally and most crucially never ever talk about massages from better massage therapists. Not only is it insulting it will as most of my massages do, only end it tears.
I think I might just start pretending to be mute of course if they know sign language all I know how to say is how 'bout those lemmings.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Strange facts -part 2
Every day 20 banks are robbed. The average take is $2,500! - I guess that is the reason for our global recession. Plus,throw in a few frauds like Raju and Murdoff..(frauds worth 700 crore rupees and 65 billion $ respectively) and you know the reason why you will sit at home unemployed..
Tablecloths were originally meant to be served as towels with which dinner guests could wipe their hands and faces after eating! - Well they end up as dirty as our napkins do....
Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!
- The waiters probably expect more ice to be given to them
One car out of every 230 made was stolen last year! - That is a really bad job done by the robbers.....There is still a lot of traffic jam
The names of Popeye's four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye, and Poopeye! - Luckily they could not talk in the cartoon.....
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds! - After which it was shot dead,cooked and eaten....
Pamela Anderson stamps have been stopped printing in the States - I guess people just started licking on the wrong side of the stamp...
The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year - None of them come true....
One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television! - They were probably seen during the Iraq or the Afghanistan wars
Tablecloths were originally meant to be served as towels with which dinner guests could wipe their hands and faces after eating! - Well they end up as dirty as our napkins do....
Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!
- The waiters probably expect more ice to be given to them
One car out of every 230 made was stolen last year! - That is a really bad job done by the robbers.....There is still a lot of traffic jam
The names of Popeye's four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye, and Poopeye! - Luckily they could not talk in the cartoon.....
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds! - After which it was shot dead,cooked and eaten....
Pamela Anderson stamps have been stopped printing in the States - I guess people just started licking on the wrong side of the stamp...
The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year - None of them come true....
One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television! - They were probably seen during the Iraq or the Afghanistan wars
Strange!!!
Why is all leather not waterproof? I mean do cows discolor and shrink in the rain?
Butterflies taste with their feet.... so when they land on you they are just trying to eat your soul.
The elephant is the only animal that can't jump... So I think that all games where you can't jump the main character should be replaced with an elephant. So that when people complain and are like "why can't I jump?" I can say "dude you're an elephant."
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older... yet it seems about 1 in 2 piss me off on a daily basis.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men (this is an actual fact)....This is why you are terrible drivers your eyes are closed twice as much as ours.
A sail can sleep up to three years... I can sleep up to three hours a night.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match... Seems kind of like a backward step.
101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie... That's kind of messed up if you think about it.
Butterflies taste with their feet.... so when they land on you they are just trying to eat your soul.
The elephant is the only animal that can't jump... So I think that all games where you can't jump the main character should be replaced with an elephant. So that when people complain and are like "why can't I jump?" I can say "dude you're an elephant."
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older... yet it seems about 1 in 2 piss me off on a daily basis.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men (this is an actual fact)....This is why you are terrible drivers your eyes are closed twice as much as ours.
A sail can sleep up to three years... I can sleep up to three hours a night.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match... Seems kind of like a backward step.
101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie... That's kind of messed up if you think about it.
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