Bombay Blues

Topics to avoid during a massage

2009-07-11T23:56:00.000-07:00

I get massages about once a month to help me deal with the no sleep and stress . I figure that they must be pretty bored standing in a dimly lit room with a nude stranger in a towel listening to the same Enya song for the 30th time that day, so I try and make small talk. And with a bit of experience I have come up with a list of topics to avoid while professionally trained strangers poke at your highly sensitive pressure points.

1. Why they didn't get a job where they don't have to touch naked strangers while listening to Enya.

2. How often they have thought about killing a massage patient and hiding the body.

3. Anything to do with the little mermaid. (Don't ask)

4. Ranting about the music and how boring it is. This is a fact they are highly aware of and have most likely tuned out. Bringing this to their attention tends to open old forgotten issues and makes them want to hurt you.

5. Dead pets and why they miss them.

6. Why the name fluffy is a stupid name for a dead pet and why you think it probably deserved to die.

7. Never ask: "Have you ever made anyone cry with those mannish hands?" (this was a woman therapist)

8. For some reason I decided to talk about lemmings and how they where the predecessor to the suicide bomber (what!? I get bored sometimes)little did I know her husband was in Iraq. But you can make them blow themselves up you know.... the lemmings, I'm still talking about the lemmings.

9. How the game of tick tack toe is a lost art. This conversation has no where to go and will eventually lead you down the road of lemmings with suicidal tendencies.

10. And finally and most crucially never ever talk about massages from better massage therapists. Not only is it insulting it will as most of my massages do, only end it tears.

I think I might just start pretending to be mute of course if they know sign language all I know how to say is how 'bout those lemmings.

Strange facts -part 2

2009-07-11T21:39:00.000-07:00

Every day 20 banks are robbed. The average take is $2,500! - I guess that is the reason for our global recession. Plus,throw in a few frauds like Raju and Murdoff..(frauds worth 700 crore rupees and 65 billion $ respectively) and you know the reason why you will sit at home unemployed..

Tablecloths were originally meant to be served as towels with which dinner guests could wipe their hands and faces after eating! - Well they end up as dirty as our napkins do....

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!
- The waiters probably expect more ice to be given to them

One car out of every 230 made was stolen last year! - That is a really bad job done by the robbers.....There is still a lot of traffic jam

The names of Popeye's four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye, and Poopeye! - Luckily they could not talk in the cartoon.....

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds! - After which it was shot dead,cooked and eaten....

Pamela Anderson stamps have been stopped printing in the States - I guess people just started licking on the wrong side of the stamp...

The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year - None of them come true....

One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television! - They were probably seen during the Iraq or the Afghanistan wars

Strange!!!

2009-07-11T00:05:00.000-07:00

Why is all leather not waterproof? I mean do cows discolor and shrink in the rain?

Butterflies taste with their feet.... so when they land on you they are just trying to eat your soul.

The elephant is the only animal that can't jump... So I think that all games where you can't jump the main character should be replaced with an elephant. So that when people complain and are like "why can't I jump?" I can say "dude you're an elephant."

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older... yet it seems about 1 in 2 piss me off on a daily basis.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men (this is an actual fact)....This is why you are terrible drivers your eyes are closed twice as much as ours.

A sail can sleep up to three years... I can sleep up to three hours a night.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match... Seems kind of like a backward step.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie... That's kind of messed up if you think about it.

Indians!!!

2009-03-10T00:17:00.000-07:00

Bengali
One Bengali = poet.
Two Bengalis = a film society.
Three Bengalis = political party.
Four Bengalis = two political parties.
More than four Bengali's = Countrywide agitation to bring Ganguli into
Team .

Bihari
One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis = caste killing.
Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna .

Punjabi
One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.
Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.
Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.
Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.

Mallu
One Mallu = coconut stall.
Two Mallus = a boat race.
Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.
Four Mallus = oil slick.

Gujju
One Gujju = share-broker in a Bombay train.
Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train.
Three Gujjus = Bombay 's noisiest restaurant.
Four Gujjus = stock market scam.

Andhraite
One Andhraite = chili farmer.
Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey .
Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.

Kashmiri
One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.
Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.
Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.

Tamil-Brahmin
One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.
Two Tam-Brahms = Maths tuition class.
Three Tam-Brahms = Queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.
Four Tam-Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara .

Mumbaikar
One Mumbaikar = footpath vada-pav stall.
Two Mumbaikars = film studio.
Three Mumbaikars = slum
Four Mumbaikars = The number of people standing on your foot in the
train at rush hour.

Sindhi
One Sindhi = currency racket.
Two Sindhis = papad factory.
Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar .
Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.

Marwari
One Marwari = The neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.
Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta .
Three Marwaris = Finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.
Four Marwaris = Threaten the Jews as a community.

Haryanvi
One Haryanavi = tube light
Two Haryanavi = agriculture
Three Haryannavi= Lathi squad
Four Haryanavi = actually just one was enough

God save our streets!!!

2009-03-06T21:38:00.000-08:00

The house I grew up was just a street away from the busiest center in our small town. But our street was quite busy as well because of the wall in front of our house, which is a well-known de-facto public urinal for the entire downtown. At any given time of the day I could see not less than four people lined up making abstract drawings on the wall. I used to call them Pablo Peecassos. It was as if the wall had special powers to precipitate nature’s call in passers-by. I had a suspicion that some people woke up and travelled half way across the town to use the wall every morning.

As one can imagine, we hated the wall, even though the wall did provide some entertainment. For example, one day our street was invaded by monkeys. A gentleman doing his business on the wall suddenly looked up to realize that a monkey was sitting on the wall and curiously summing up his frontal glory. He had a dilemma of epic proportions. Should he continue to finish his business and risk being bitten by the monkey or stop half way and run. Alas, the cruel irony of life. He did stop half way and run, AND got bitten by the monkey.

The moments of such mirth aside, one can safely assume that we didn’t want people to answer their nature’s call in front of our house. We did the normal thing one with no experience in such matters would do. We put up a big sign, “NO PEEING ON THE WALL.” Our biggest mistake? Putting the sign low enough on the wall so that people could actually use the sign for target practice. Secondly, the sign reminded people of the existence of their bladder. Without having to delve into specific statistical models, we could figure out that the traffic at the wall nearly doubled after posting the sign.

The second brilliant idea we had was to appoint two guys to walk about on our street and yell at the happy relievers. “Hey, you got no sense of decency? Shoo, shoo” was their general mantra. This seemed to have worked on the first day. But the second day there was a revolt. People of our town, who never stood together for anything, were united to protect their right of public indecency. Our appointed henchmen barely escaped being beaten by the mob.

A few days later one of my uncles improvised a solution with the use of household flour and sugar. In phase 1 of the plan, we generously sprinkled the mixture along the opposite wall. Phase 2 of the plan was carried out by thousands of red ants that took to streets to feast on the flour and sugar. People, in the rush to lighten their bladders, pissed off the ants literally and figuratively. The ants absolutely refused to coexist with such people by snacking on their feet. Phase 3 of the plan was watching the delightful dance of people whose feet were being munched on by the ants, albeit they could only use one hand in their dance. Our delight and free dance performances didn’t last too long because it rained that night. Also, we couldn’t have afforded the daily feeding of ants.

We gave up. We did everything humanly possible to persuade people to deposit their waste in their respective bathrooms. We failed. It was time for divine intervention. It was my dad who came up with the most ingenious idea.

Two people were busy working at the wall the entire weekend. Come Monday, the wall featured frescos of smiling Gods of various religions and denominations. Every inch of the wall was covered in colorful pictures of benevolent deities - A Rama, A Christ, An undefined splatter of colors with a crescent on the top which one can only assume as the artist’s rendition of Mecca and other minor religious icons just to be sure.

That was it. From that day forward not one person dared to descecrate the sancutm sanctorum of our town walls. I was in my hometown a month ago. The paintings faded and were retouched over the years. I was happy to walk on our street that reeked of holiness rather than urine.

Confined!!!

2009-01-15T00:21:00.001-08:00

Hill stations. Valleys. Rivers. Forests. Rolling lawns. Meadows. Mist. Mystical Hills. Breeze. Weather. Shivering fields. Hill stations. Start and end at the same place. Out of view is out of scope of imagination. What is beyond the hills? Nothing. Confined.

Ever played computer games where you race around town in your car, bike or monster truck? Of course you have. Played games where you hold a gun and run around killing people. Ever tried going off track in such races? Can you? Can you go off a defined ‘map’ in Counter Strike? Ever seen what lies outside the Emirates Stadium in FIFA 09? Ever tried to imagine? Still confined, aren’t we?

What’s your ’super-hero’ like? Human? Still confined.

Try music. It sets us free. In a trance. The fifth dimension? Mere permutations and combinations. (I’d kill the person who thought of such an inference. But wouldn’t want to kill someone who speaks the truth) Have you realised how easily we manage to find solace in the smallest of things - making them appear sufficiently satisfactory to fulfil our SMALL want of “FREEDOM”? Break free into confinement.

Back to the material world. We enjoy the shore. We like the confluence of water and land. Feel free “out in the open air”. Enjoy mild winds and that soothing drizzle. Paradise is all blue and green and healthy and rich. Its still Earth. We aren’t anywhere new. Confined.

Ok, lets go the eight planet of the brighest star in the thirteenth galaxy from the milky way in the direction of Earth-Sirius. Now we’re free. NO! Confined in this universe.

Are we confined really? Or is it just our imagination?

Bacchaa Party!!!

2008-10-30T23:44:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to ever forget your childhood??? Even if it is,I guess movies like Memento and its rip-off Ghajini will explain how. For me,those were the Wonder years,the years of my life I cherish the most. There are times I miss those days so much,there is either a tear in my eye or a thought in my mind to build a time machine. But unfortunately,we grow up......we become mature(well...most of us atleast)...and what hurts me most is we lose contact with ourselves and our loved ones just in order to keep up with our shitty lives.
There is a saying that our lives change for good. I must say I totally disagree with the git he stated this and I would gladly hunt him down and kick his ass. People say what they have to....but it all comes down to you finally.Ask yourselves the same question and see if your answer matches with the quote.
Today when I see a bunch of 11-12 year old kids playing in my colony,all those amazing memories flash right before my eyes. Playing silly games like lagori,chor-police,kho-kho,etc,etc..When I was 11,I always felt that I liked playing these games because they were fun to play.Now I realize that it was not the only reason.The people I played with mattered too.During those days, 4.30 pm to 9.30 pm was a time to just forget who you were,what your age was,what problems you had....It was just time to come down,play and have loads of fun with the people you grew up with,people you loved spending time with. I still remember those days ,when me,as a school-going kid and my group of other school-going kids humiliated our seniors in Cricket, how we fought for samosas and pedas on Independence and Republic days,how we rehearsed day and night to get our dance performance right for the Annual get-together,how we all came together to build lanterns for the building during Diwali and Christmas,how we fooled the secretary of the society for the lantern expenses and drank pepsi and ate chaat with that money,having boys vs girls fights and spray-painting the entire terrace walls with the stance "BOYZ RULE!!!"(though we had to re-paint those walls ourselves),building tree-houses,screwing up the car of the bitch that always had a problem with us playing.
But all those thoughts are wiped out when I sit at home day-dreaming,with an engineering book in my hand and Mum yells form behind,"Where the hell is your concentration???" When this happens it sometimes prompts me to get a tattoo on my forehead,"WHY DID I EVER JOIN ENGINEERING??"
If I had a choice to ask for anything I want, I would surely ask back my childhood.Because those were simply the best days of my life.(I know its clichéd...but still)

Shopping with Mom

2008-09-07T23:27:00.000-07:00

"I am the King of the World!!!",I cried.....standing on top of Mount Everest with a sword in my hand.I was completely in shape and had an enviable body,to say the least.With a fully grown beard on my face,it would'nt have been easy to tell me apart from Leonidus,the King of Sparta in 300. And then....out of the blue.....I heard a shriek..."Wake up lazybones.....dont you remember,we have to go to Siddhivinayak today???" And that is how my dream ended."Thanks a lot Mom",I said. "Come on....hurry up....we'll be late",she yelled. And I was completely up,did my routine morning chores and got ready to go to Siddhivinayak. We left home at around 15 minutes past 6 in the morning,caught a fast train to Dadar from Andheri....and we reached Siddhivinayak at around 7 am. As expected,there was an incredibly enormous queue of people there,who had come to worship. I tell you....if you really want to see an example of India's ever-gowing population,you must pay a visit to Siddhivinayak on a Sunday.
Anyways,me and Mom finished our work at the temple in around 45 minutes. As we took our "prasad" and left the temple,I told her,"Mom please lets leave soon.....I'm feeling very sleepy!"She threw me a disgusted look then and there.....as if I had asked her to buy me a new car!!! When I asked her what made her throw that kind of expression at me....she simply replied,"We cant go now.I have to shop.Let me know if you see any saree shop closeby." Phew......here we go again.....Out of all the things I hate to do with my family.....shopping with Mom was certainly at the top of the list. "Oh come on.....have some mercy on me!!!",I begged her. But she didnt yield. It seemed as if the two of us were in a courtroom.....she was the judge and I was the convict. Finally,I had to give in (as if I had any other option left). So of we went...in our destination...a Paaneri saaris outlet,which was around 25 minutes away from the temple just in case we decided to walk.And the next thing I know.....yeah....we were gonna walk.It was an extremely hot day. I guessed the temperature to be aound 33-35 degrees Celcius. By the time we reached the outlet,I was completely drenched in sweat. I gave my Mom an angry look and asked her,"So going to Siddhivinayak was just a cover up.This is why you wanted to come here." She smiled and gave me a slight slap on my cheeks and replied,"See, Diwali is approaching....so I need to buy new saaris.""So why have you bought ME along??? I am not going to wear any saaris,am I??" i protested. She preferred walking into the outlet rather than answering me.But as soon as I entered the shop,I forgot all the arguments I had with Mom as soon as a wave of cool air hit my face.I felt so relieved,that there was a great possibility of me peeing there and then. After that(thankfully),Mom took a long time to go through the array of saaris the salesman had displayed before her,and I was just sitting in one corner,enjoying the cool waves flowing out of the air-conditioner.
After her shopping was over,we left the store,much against my wishes.On our way to Dadar station,Mom asked me if I wanted anything. "I have to buy underwear",I replied. So we bought that too. All the shopping and travelling had made me extremely tired and hungry. But as I had just recovered from Malaria,I resisted the temptation to eat any road-side food.
So even though I didnt quite like the idea of shopping with Mom,this was one occassion where I certainly didnt regret it.

The Unforgettable Day.....

2008-07-31T09:55:00.000-07:00

Engineering professors are complete nut-cases. They have the entire semester to lay the heavy burden of assignments on students,but they always have to give the assignments a few days before the semester gets over.I have always noticed the profs giving us the assignments with a devilish smirk on their otherwise stern faces.When they do lay the burden on us,I just cant stop imaging them in a devil's costume.Anyways...my unforgettable day involved several assignment submissions,but interestingly,they dont form the crux of my tale. I got up in the morning as usual and while getting ready,wore my jeans low as always."Low-waist jeans are so God-damn cool man!!",this is what I keep saying to myself.And off I went to my "A" graded college,which is filled with "asels"(its some kind of dutch slang).The first half of the day was better than I had expected it to be.Several profs didnt show up at the lectures,so we ended up either doing nothing or completing our pending work.But as the day progressed,it took a turn for the worse.
"4 submissions today!",cried out a jerk in my classroom.So one by one our teachers started calling us to their classrooms and the submissions thus began.First up was Java.If I forgot to mention before,the Java professor was a total bitch and a pain in the a**.The way she talks and throws around her arrogance,it would'nt be hard for anyone to believe if I said that she was showered with attitude and arrogance instead of love when she was little.She just loves it when she is presented with the slightest opportunity to insult somebody.But I certainly love the look on her face when she is disappointed to know that she cant insult a student since his/her assignment was complete.Anyways that was done.Next up was Physics.That was easy...My work had been finished ages ago and the prof didnt trouble me much during the submission.In CS,all we had to do was to just place our journals on top of the stack,smile at the teacher and leave.That leaves us with Chemistry.Well,the submission was not that easy going,but i managed to get past it.
Phew....that was a long day.All the running around the college had made us EXTREMELY hungry.So we went to the canteen and ordered 3 plates of "Bhurji pavs".It was 4.30 pm then.We were supposed to board a train at 4.51 pm.At around 4.40pm,the guy who runs the canteen tells us,"Saab,bhurji ready hai,par pav nahin hai.......ladka pav bas lata hi hoga!!."So we wait......and the guy got the pavs for us at about 4.45pm.After that what happened was luckily wasnt seen by anybody below the age of 18.It took me and my friend 2 minutes to gulp down 3 entire plates of Bhurji pav.......I had never even seen wild animals behaving like that. 4.47pm....4 mins to go before the train reaches the station.The two of us ran as if a pack of hungry wild wolves was set behind us.And the low-waist jeans which I admired earlier,didnt help us much,as they have a tendency to just slide off your waist. So we set off......our destination....Nerul station......holding our pants so that they didnt fall off. I have got no clue how it happened,but we managed to somehow jump into the last compartment of the train.We usually travel by the First class.So the next thing we had to do was to get into the First class compartment.So the train stopped at Juinagar,and off we went again.....and got into the smaller of the two first class compartments.But then we realized that all of our other friends were in the other first class.....yeah ,you guessed it right.....off we went again.....I tell you.....I was too tired to run again....and thankfully we didnt have to after that(Well,thats what I thought).Come Wadala,we got down as usual to buy something to eat.We were at the counter,and the bloody train starts moving again.We scrammed to wards the train.My friend was lucky enough to find the first class compartment.....but I wasnt. In front of me were two huge compartments which were labelled "LADIES ONLY" from outside."Oh f**k",I said to myself.But I still managed to jump into the general compartment which followed the ladies one....
All in all,it was a very very eventful day,and certainly memorable.

The Monsoon Tragedy

2008-07-11T05:56:00.003-07:00

Rains in Mumbai.....well actually i dont need to talk about that,since all of you are familiar with it. For some reason its got to be the shittiest period of the year if you are a person who hardly stays at home.Me....well what do i say?? I was born in July and the meaning of my name is "The Rain God".....so I am associated with the rains and the monsoon quite often.I used to love the rains as a kid.Used to get wet in the rain,play ,play and play.My mum often says this jokingly...."You were born in the muck....how the hell will you not enjoy getting wet in the rain?",when i was a child. Since the monsoons are so closely associated with me,my cousins often push me hard so that i fall down.wierd,aren't they????Well their reason for that is very simple.India is losing a match and only the rain can save them(as it often does....)....so for the rain to fall,i should fall.I recollect being pushed around 12-13 times during the 2003 Cricket World Cup in South Africa,when India(who surprisingly reached the Finals) were absolutely annahilated by the men from Down Under.Back in 2005,after I finished my schooling days,I remember going to various Junior colleges with friends to collect admission forms.We could not have chosen a better day.It was raining as if a massive shower covering the entire sky was allowed to pour. Somehow,we managed to go around about 4-5 colleges around Mumbai.We somehow protected the admission forms from getting wet but could not save ourselves from getting drenched.We were tired,hungry,thirsty....you name it.We were all cold and wet...and then.....while walking back from National College on the linking road in Bandra....we saw something that looked heaven-sent....It was nothing but a McDonald's outlet.We all went in and had hot coffee which we all savoured. God bless McDonald's,we thought.Speaking about monsoons, I dont think there would be any individual in Bombay who doesnt remember 26th July. What a day it was! I mean what was going on that day?? The amount of rain Bombay received that day would have probably been the sum of the amount of rain our city has received for the last 3-4 years. Everywhere you went,you could see hapless people stranded.....stray dogs flowing along with the water.....complete traffic jam.......It seemed as if Bombay....which is always on the run....where stopping for a moment is like wasting money....where time and money is everything....had actually been brought to a standstill. The struggle people had to go through to reach home,to tlak to their loved-ones,to know how they are....was extremely sad. I remember to have walked for 6-7 hours in knee-deep water(which reached my chest at some places) to reach home. Even though it was a very difficult day for all Mumbaikars.....I have to say....ity was one hell of an experience.Another reason i hate the monsoons is that it attracts millions of unknown insects and all those icky things.Some of whom we have never seen before.The look small,but the damages they can do to you is something we underestimate.I say this because I have contracted malaria for two years in a row...and trust me.....thats something you dont want to experience. I absolutely hate insects....especially mosquitoes. A friend of mine has a sick way of killing them. He catches them....does not squash them.....but slowly and gently...disesembles its body parts.This happens when the mosquito is lucky. If he gets extremely pissed with the mosquito....he goes ahead to burn it....All i want to say is.....Bincy....BEWARE!!!!!h